Intellectual Jokes & Stories

T'was the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that  species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward  edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent  visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title,of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.

With his undulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al.  - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage.  He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled   nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirstute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of  merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.  Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself
in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds  of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing  portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his  vehiculation beyond the
limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

Final Exam

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer any five questions you choose.
Time Limit: One hour. Begin immediately.

1. HISTORY- Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the
present day, concentrating expecially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and
Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

2. MEDICINE- You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of
gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work
has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING- 2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

4. BIOLOGY- Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special
attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5. MUSIC- Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute
and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6. PSYCHOLOGY- Based on your knowledge of their words, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of
the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi.
Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate
references. It is not necessary to translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY- Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany
the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

8. ENGINEERING- The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed
in Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take
whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

9. EPISTEMOLOGY- Take a position for or against Truth. Prove the
validity of your position.

10. PHYSICS- Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

11. PHILOSOPHY- Sketch the development of human thought, estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

EXTRA CREDIT- Define the Universe. Give three examples.


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